Wherever Peter is, Nate will appear there suddenly. Not within his mind this time, no. More that he'd sought him out — felt him out through their connection and, being a little unstable as he is both emotionally and with his powers, he's here a lot quicker than he normally might be.
"I could make a lot of people stop feeling pain, Pete. Shouldn't I? If I can do that? Isn't that the merciful thing to do for all of you?" By just not letting anyone feel anything.
Peter had been about to climb out the window, despite how shaky he feels because of those words. He's dressed in his sweats and tee shirt, but the canisters are strapped to his wrists.
Slowly he lowers himself back inside, staring at Nate with wide eyes.
Wide eyes and he pales as the man he loves go on like that.
"No, no you shouldn't. It's not merciful, it's so wrong. You can't take away their memories, Nate. People deserve to have their memories, even if they hurt. There's nothing that makes me want to forget Gwen. No matter how painful and how hard it is. You would just give up Wade? Really?"
He's hurting and he's scared and he's shaking though he's not aware of it.
"Sometimes we have to hurt, and we have to cope with it and learn to live with the pain."
"How much more, Peter?" As he asks that, his left eye glows that golden light. "Don't you get tired of feeling it? One after the other? Again and again? Isn't that how people just give up? Because I know you feel it, Peter. I know you feel what I feel when I keep losing people here."
Because of their connection, of course. Nate does his best to block Peter from feeling it, but. That initial reaction to when he senses someone else gone... he knows Peter picks up on it, even if he's not always aware of what it is, but. Maybe he does lately, with the number of people that Nate's lost within the past couple months alone.
"Why have all this power if I just continue to let people suffer?"
"Whatever it takes. Because that's what life is, Nate. We live with what happens and we do everything we can to make it better for us and others. Forgetting isn't helping, it's taking away things."
His voice waivers as that eye starts to glow, his arms out at his sides as if to calm him down, but he also has the canisters ready. It's the first time he's been around Nate that he's felt a familiar sensation and having that tingle happen now, because of the man he loves, is one of the worst pains he's ever felt. His eyes sting and his chest aches as he shakes his head.
"You're not your power, Nate, and it's not your choice to take those memories away from others." But he suspects he knows the answer to what comes next from his mouth, hating that he's crying even as he asks it.
"Is that what you want for you? To forget us all? Jean? Scott? Wade?" His voice cracks and he swallows hard, afraid to look away as if this might be his last memories of Nate that he'll never remember if Nate actually does this to him. "Me?"
It's easy for Nate to fall into a more reactive mode — to become unstable with his powers when his emotions override his logic. It's hard for him to separate the two at times... to not want to simply act in the moment — in what he's feeling, but. It's dangerous for a telepath to do that, because of the things they can do.
Like the things Nate is, in a sense, threatening to do.
But it's that connection that they share — that he hasn't severed between them when he could have before coming to see him — on top of the way Peter's voice sounds that has the gold in his eyes dim some and he drops his gaze as he recalls the things he'd experienced with Wade — how he'd been the one to open him up to feeling things with others in the first place, clashing against how much he misses him still.
How much he would miss Peter.
Letting his eyes fall shut, he frowns and Peter might be able to feel an internal struggle of sorts happening within Nate through their connection. As if two sides of himself are arguing with each other. "I didn't even get to give Scott his father's day gift..."
It's almost like having a ringing in one's ears and then it stops. That tingle that he's come to trust with so much, including his life, and then it's gone. In the space of one breath to the next.
"Baby..."
He doesn't even try and stop the tears, and doesn't let himself think about what Nate might do to his memories. He can't stop him and he won't know if he does. Despite the fear and the panic he can't help himself.
He moves in instantly, reaching out for Nate in that moment.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry they did this to you."
He hates the idea of Nate going home or leaving this place. He's on a countdown to his death outside of this place. Here he at least won't stay dead. And yet he wonders if he would be happier if he wasn't there, even if it meant losing him.
That only makes him cry more, silent, the tears streaking down his face as his hand lightly touches Nate's arm, hesitant he'll pull away.
He can feel Peter's heartache even without their connection and it has him lifting his gaze as the other man approaches, the glow from his left eye completely fading away to bright blue again. He searches him with that bright blue — searches his face more than his feelings and he watches the way those tears trickle down his cheeks, Peter's hand touching at his arm.
Nate doesn't cry. Rather, he stares to Peter with such a sadness that it's almost close to numb, shutting parts of himself down so as not to lash out unexpectedly and hurt Peter any more than he has already, even if it's emotionally.
That's why he didn't want to see him. Because he knew he would. Because he always reacts.
Even so, letting his eyes fall shut, he digs deep within him — around the various doors he's closing up to keep himself from doing anything, and he finds that piece of warmth within him and pushes it towards Peter... pushes how much he loves and cares for him towards the other as a gentle sort of reassurance in the moment here between them.
"I'm sorry, Pete," words soft as he lets the tips of his fingers trail along the inside of his wrist... as he gently lets himself lean in and press his forehead to Peter's. "Please don't cry..."
There's a sudden clatter as he releases the canisters and lets them fall to the floor. He moves almost instantly, and there's no hesitation despite it all. He wraps his arms around Nate and draws him in close to him.
The hug is almost painful as he holds him tight, burying his face against Nate's shoulder.
"I don't want to lose you. We have no control over it but don't take you away from me," he manages, the words muffled as he hugs him tight. "Always fight for us, Nate. Please."
He knows he will, as much as he has to fight. He doesn't want to lose Nate because of Nate's choice.
This is what he needs right now. To be held — to be firmly held here in the present moment and not let his thoughts slip away into himself and all his power. To not let his power control him as he's been warned of it doing countless times before when he becomes emotionally unstable. Peter is that grounding force— that lifeline that he never even knew he needed, but. As it turns out, he so very badly needs him.
The tightness of the embrace doesn't bother him — doesn't make him flinch or try and pry away. Rather, he lifts his arms up and presses the heels of his palms against the other man's back, holding to him as Peter buries his face into his shoulder. It's that embrace coupled with those words and the desperate plea in Peter's voice that has his eyes falling shut and the telepath relaxing some against the other man.
"You won't. I'm sorry..." Softly said, pressing the tips of his fingers into the curve of Peter's back. "...I love you, Pete. You're all I have left." So no, he can't lose that... can't lose him.
A slight turn of his head, he noses at Peter's temple, eyes still shut as he keeps closing and locking doors within himself. "I need to sleep..." He murmurs, holding tight to Peter still. "I'm shutting parts of my mind down. So I don't do anything I'll regret. I just need to sleep." Let the things he's feeling settle down to a point where they don't control him. "Will you stay with me? While I sleep?"
For a moment Peter clings so tightly to the other man. Holding him in his arms, unwilling to let him go for the longest time. Just needing this man in his arms, close to him, his. Not wanting to let him go. His love. His heart.
"I love you too, Nate. Always. I always want you in my life and I don't care how hard things can be. I never want to lose you," he whispers as he draws back, just enough to nuzzle at his cheek, kissing the corner of his mouth. Pushing that love at him as if he can show him just how much he loves him.
"Of course. I don't want to be anywhere else but with you," he vows. "Just don't push me away. Never make me forget. I never want to forget."
He wants to promise that. He does. But sometimes he just... loses himself to his emotions and, in those moments that he's lost, anything is possible. Even things he might come to regret.
Instead, he nuzzles at Peter, slow and gentle, letting himself sink into the other man's warmth and presence here wrapped up around him. He needs to focus on that — on Peter and how much he keeps him from slipping away from himself.
"I don't want to forget you either..." Words he does mean, regardless of how difficult it is to see when caught up in his emotions.
Letting his eyes gently flutter open, he pulls back then — enough to still be there close to Peter. "Let's go to bed then."
Some part of him notices that Nate doesn't make the promise, but then he says something that he can wholly and truly hold on to. Words he can remind him of later. That's just as important.
"Good. I'll fight you every step of the way, Nate. For both of us."
Because they both need one another more than they can find words for.
He nods though, keeping Nate close and getting him to bed. Taking his time getting their shoes off, stripping them down enough to be close and comfortable. Every touch is meant to soothe him and keep him comfortable before he settles in next to Nate. Drawing the blanket over them, he draws Nate into his arms and cradles him close.
Whispering softly to him, just reminding him how loved he is, how much Peter needs him, at least until they both fall asleep.
Peter doesn't sleep well. Not after all of that. Just staying as close as he can to him every time he comes awake, kissing along his shoulder even as the sun begins to creep over the horizon.
The things Nate dreams about are vivid in ways he doesn't always experience. Memories— things he wished he had said and done just regrets now. Potential moments lost to him that he can't get back or have again. Maybe. If he can dig down deep enough... if he can find the power to alter everything here...
...no. It's too dangerous. He runs the risk of his powers being the one to control him. It's why he's doing this in the first place. Sleeping. Letting his mind rest so as not to impulsively do anything that might have dire consequences attached to it all.
That might hurt Peter in ways he's not so sure they could fix between them.
So he sleeps. He sleeps and he dreams of things some part of him wants to forget but he can't because he shouldn't. Faces and people and moments that are just to be that now... memories. Like so many others he's lost within the blink of an eye... where he couldn't do anything to stop it.
When he wakes, it's slow and a little after Peter does. Blue eyes blinking lazily as he stares up to the ceiling, feeling the presence of Peter there with him in the bed. Taking a moment to recall everything, he slowly turns his head to look to the other man and, again, he lazily blinks.
The instant he feels Nate stir, he's there fully for him and wholly awake. There's so much he has felt in those moments between being asleep and awake and he just wants to try and offer all he can for Nate.
"The sun's just coming up," he murmurs softly. "So a few hours. Did you rest at all?"
Because there's a feeling there and he's not sure that he truly had slept and he's worried he hadn't truly rested. So he keeps him close and holds him to him as he kisses just beneath his ear.
The words are a lazy sort of mumble, hand coming up to gently touch at his head. It doesn't hurt, thankfully. But he feels... strange. Numb, maybe.
Taking a moment to close his eyes, he lays there like that for a second or two before he slowly lets them open and he stares back up to the ceiling before he lets himself look over to Peter there beside him. His movements are all lazy and tired.
"I kept seeing things... memories. Regrets. It was weird."
"No..." The word is a soft murmur from his lips, bright blue eyes slowly blinking as he looks over to Peter. He can still see it — still feel the way Peter felt when he had slowly been letting his emotions take him over in the moment. How much Peter had hurt at the thought of Nate erasing him from his memories, on top of everything else.
A frown to touch his lips, he presses his cheek into the pillow as he lays there beside the other man then. "I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have threatened to do that..."
Peter's tried hard not to think about it all night. Just wanting to offer comfort and tenderness in those moments when he's been awake. And now trying to do the same. Trying to help him feel comfort and love and all the things he feels like he can truly offer Nate, things he thinks Nate needs.
"You were upset, Nate. You were hurting. Some part of you thought you were trying to help," he murmurs. "Just... just know that is never something I would want. No matter how much things hurt, I don't want to let go of all I know of you."
His voice tightens and he shifts to wrap his arms around Nate.
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Maybe it would be easier to just not feel.
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I'm coming to find you.
[ He can't even hide the panic and fear he's feeling in that moment to those words. ]
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Don't you dare.
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"I could make a lot of people stop feeling pain, Pete. Shouldn't I? If I can do that? Isn't that the merciful thing to do for all of you?" By just not letting anyone feel anything.
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Slowly he lowers himself back inside, staring at Nate with wide eyes.
Wide eyes and he pales as the man he loves go on like that.
"No, no you shouldn't. It's not merciful, it's so wrong. You can't take away their memories, Nate. People deserve to have their memories, even if they hurt. There's nothing that makes me want to forget Gwen. No matter how painful and how hard it is. You would just give up Wade? Really?"
He's hurting and he's scared and he's shaking though he's not aware of it.
"Sometimes we have to hurt, and we have to cope with it and learn to live with the pain."
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Because of their connection, of course. Nate does his best to block Peter from feeling it, but. That initial reaction to when he senses someone else gone... he knows Peter picks up on it, even if he's not always aware of what it is, but. Maybe he does lately, with the number of people that Nate's lost within the past couple months alone.
"Why have all this power if I just continue to let people suffer?"
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His voice waivers as that eye starts to glow, his arms out at his sides as if to calm him down, but he also has the canisters ready. It's the first time he's been around Nate that he's felt a familiar sensation and having that tingle happen now, because of the man he loves, is one of the worst pains he's ever felt. His eyes sting and his chest aches as he shakes his head.
"You're not your power, Nate, and it's not your choice to take those memories away from others." But he suspects he knows the answer to what comes next from his mouth, hating that he's crying even as he asks it.
"Is that what you want for you? To forget us all? Jean? Scott? Wade?" His voice cracks and he swallows hard, afraid to look away as if this might be his last memories of Nate that he'll never remember if Nate actually does this to him. "Me?"
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Like the things Nate is, in a sense, threatening to do.
But it's that connection that they share — that he hasn't severed between them when he could have before coming to see him — on top of the way Peter's voice sounds that has the gold in his eyes dim some and he drops his gaze as he recalls the things he'd experienced with Wade — how he'd been the one to open him up to feeling things with others in the first place, clashing against how much he misses him still.
How much he would miss Peter.
Letting his eyes fall shut, he frowns and Peter might be able to feel an internal struggle of sorts happening within Nate through their connection. As if two sides of himself are arguing with each other. "I didn't even get to give Scott his father's day gift..."
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"Baby..."
He doesn't even try and stop the tears, and doesn't let himself think about what Nate might do to his memories. He can't stop him and he won't know if he does. Despite the fear and the panic he can't help himself.
He moves in instantly, reaching out for Nate in that moment.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry they did this to you."
He hates the idea of Nate going home or leaving this place. He's on a countdown to his death outside of this place. Here he at least won't stay dead. And yet he wonders if he would be happier if he wasn't there, even if it meant losing him.
That only makes him cry more, silent, the tears streaking down his face as his hand lightly touches Nate's arm, hesitant he'll pull away.
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Nate doesn't cry. Rather, he stares to Peter with such a sadness that it's almost close to numb, shutting parts of himself down so as not to lash out unexpectedly and hurt Peter any more than he has already, even if it's emotionally.
That's why he didn't want to see him. Because he knew he would. Because he always reacts.
Even so, letting his eyes fall shut, he digs deep within him — around the various doors he's closing up to keep himself from doing anything, and he finds that piece of warmth within him and pushes it towards Peter... pushes how much he loves and cares for him towards the other as a gentle sort of reassurance in the moment here between them.
"I'm sorry, Pete," words soft as he lets the tips of his fingers trail along the inside of his wrist... as he gently lets himself lean in and press his forehead to Peter's. "Please don't cry..."
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The hug is almost painful as he holds him tight, burying his face against Nate's shoulder.
"I don't want to lose you. We have no control over it but don't take you away from me," he manages, the words muffled as he hugs him tight. "Always fight for us, Nate. Please."
He knows he will, as much as he has to fight. He doesn't want to lose Nate because of Nate's choice.
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The tightness of the embrace doesn't bother him — doesn't make him flinch or try and pry away. Rather, he lifts his arms up and presses the heels of his palms against the other man's back, holding to him as Peter buries his face into his shoulder. It's that embrace coupled with those words and the desperate plea in Peter's voice that has his eyes falling shut and the telepath relaxing some against the other man.
"You won't. I'm sorry..." Softly said, pressing the tips of his fingers into the curve of Peter's back. "...I love you, Pete. You're all I have left." So no, he can't lose that... can't lose him.
A slight turn of his head, he noses at Peter's temple, eyes still shut as he keeps closing and locking doors within himself. "I need to sleep..." He murmurs, holding tight to Peter still. "I'm shutting parts of my mind down. So I don't do anything I'll regret. I just need to sleep." Let the things he's feeling settle down to a point where they don't control him. "Will you stay with me? While I sleep?"
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"I love you too, Nate. Always. I always want you in my life and I don't care how hard things can be. I never want to lose you," he whispers as he draws back, just enough to nuzzle at his cheek, kissing the corner of his mouth. Pushing that love at him as if he can show him just how much he loves him.
"Of course. I don't want to be anywhere else but with you," he vows. "Just don't push me away. Never make me forget. I never want to forget."
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Instead, he nuzzles at Peter, slow and gentle, letting himself sink into the other man's warmth and presence here wrapped up around him. He needs to focus on that — on Peter and how much he keeps him from slipping away from himself.
"I don't want to forget you either..." Words he does mean, regardless of how difficult it is to see when caught up in his emotions.
Letting his eyes gently flutter open, he pulls back then — enough to still be there close to Peter. "Let's go to bed then."
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"Good. I'll fight you every step of the way, Nate. For both of us."
Because they both need one another more than they can find words for.
He nods though, keeping Nate close and getting him to bed. Taking his time getting their shoes off, stripping them down enough to be close and comfortable. Every touch is meant to soothe him and keep him comfortable before he settles in next to Nate. Drawing the blanket over them, he draws Nate into his arms and cradles him close.
Whispering softly to him, just reminding him how loved he is, how much Peter needs him, at least until they both fall asleep.
Peter doesn't sleep well. Not after all of that. Just staying as close as he can to him every time he comes awake, kissing along his shoulder even as the sun begins to creep over the horizon.
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...no. It's too dangerous. He runs the risk of his powers being the one to control him. It's why he's doing this in the first place. Sleeping. Letting his mind rest so as not to impulsively do anything that might have dire consequences attached to it all.
That might hurt Peter in ways he's not so sure they could fix between them.
So he sleeps. He sleeps and he dreams of things some part of him wants to forget but he can't because he shouldn't. Faces and people and moments that are just to be that now... memories. Like so many others he's lost within the blink of an eye... where he couldn't do anything to stop it.
When he wakes, it's slow and a little after Peter does. Blue eyes blinking lazily as he stares up to the ceiling, feeling the presence of Peter there with him in the bed. Taking a moment to recall everything, he slowly turns his head to look to the other man and, again, he lazily blinks.
"How... long have I been asleep?"
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"The sun's just coming up," he murmurs softly. "So a few hours. Did you rest at all?"
Because there's a feeling there and he's not sure that he truly had slept and he's worried he hadn't truly rested. So he keeps him close and holds him to him as he kisses just beneath his ear.
"How do you feel?"
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The words are a lazy sort of mumble, hand coming up to gently touch at his head. It doesn't hurt, thankfully. But he feels... strange. Numb, maybe.
Taking a moment to close his eyes, he lays there like that for a second or two before he slowly lets them open and he stares back up to the ceiling before he lets himself look over to Peter there beside him. His movements are all lazy and tired.
"I kept seeing things... memories. Regrets. It was weird."
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His hand strokes along his arm, over the curve of his chest and letting his palm rest against Nate's heartbeat.
"You're dealing with a lot, and that's not surprising." He can understand nightmares, after all. "Do you need anything I can get for you?"
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A frown to touch his lips, he presses his cheek into the pillow as he lays there beside the other man then. "I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have threatened to do that..."
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"You were upset, Nate. You were hurting. Some part of you thought you were trying to help," he murmurs. "Just... just know that is never something I would want. No matter how much things hurt, I don't want to let go of all I know of you."
His voice tightens and he shifts to wrap his arms around Nate.
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